Sunday, May 29, 2011


Last night I went to see "Midnight in Paris", Woody Allen's new film. No, this is not a film review but rather a "note to self" (I quote Peggy Fleming here).
To say that life has been stressful lately is putting it mildly. I have not been tending to my own "garden" as it were. My "garden" is where inspiration blossoms, passion is grown, and my soul is nurtured. Last night I was desperate to water the garden and somehow I knew that "Midnight in Paris" would fill that need. I printed tickets ahead of time as I had the feeling that there would be a crowd at the small Menlo Park theatre called "The Guild". There was. We got the last seats in the very front row off to the left side. The only visual in that location was the art deco molding in antique gold swirls that kept my attention until the movie started.
I am the kind of person who gets very involved in a movie when I am in the audience. There is no half-way particpation for me. So when the movie started, I felt transported to Paris...immediately. The film took me far away from myself and yet it managed to steer me into the tightly bound chambers of my heart at the same time. I know when I am being transported because the feeling in my face changes. My jaw relaxes and I feel a wash sweeping over my skin. It is transformational and it feels as if my own curtain is rising. It's emotional and so very satisfying.
When the lights came up and it was time to exit the theatre, noone left quickly. There was so much excitement and joy all around. When I finally started up the aisle I realized that the magic had not ended with the film. There was an older man standing looking up at the screen and he had the most marvelous look on his face. It reminded me of the feeling I get when I look at Parisian apartments and wonder what went on in them over the years. I would love to have known what memories were passing through his mind and heart in that moment. Everywhere I looked, people's faces were reflecting the magic of the film. What an accomplishment for a filmmaker!
There is such glory in art. I want to share in its glory...we all need to feel its transformational effects so that we can live very full lives. Art tends to our soul the way that water tends to the garden.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

A Moving Adventure

For anyone who knows our family and knows the escapades of the past few Hollywoodian months, it is my hope that you can join me in finding the humor in this print on the Uhaul that brought Camille home from the "barrio" and brought my 91 year old mother along for the ride.
Life is certainly an adventure !

Ode to My Former Self

I look at this photograph taken on Christmas Eve and I now know it captured the moment before my life profoundly changed. I felt happy to be with my family and friends and was looking forward to spending the next few days with my parents. I was drinking champagne, appreciating all the Christmas decorations in the San Francisco restaurant we were dining in, and feeling the joys of the holiday season. And then the year turned.
I remember going to the bank and asking the manager how she the holidays were for her. She looked up at me with her pale face and sad eyes and told me how the year had already begun with illness and death in her family. I walked back to my car thinking I had escaped all of that for the moment and yet I had the very distinct feeling that I was on borrowed time.
I was...we all are. In two months, my father would die and I would become a different person.
Now, two more months have passed and I am learning to live with myself differently. I don't get to be my father's little girl any more--at least not in the physical realm. I miss her, I miss him and I miss the me I got to be when I was with him. Colors are so much brighter now and sounds louder. Feelings are stronger and yet my heart beats less confidently. Everything, everything is amplified by 10. I just want to be quiet. I want to be well. I wish I could reach out and touch my father and I wish I could reach in and find my former self.